Neverending Stories

I haven't updated in G-d knows how long, but I figured for anyone that still has me on their friends page and wonders if I dropped off the face of the earth, I'd let you all know I'm still here!

I'm in Israel for New Years. Fourth year in a row. I guess I've become super attached to this place...moving in May for good!

I don't have much enlightening words to share at the moment, but suffice it to say, I've found happiness. Never thought it would happen with my years of depression and self-loathing thanks to my disfunctional family of verbally abusing fuck-ups, but I'm really happy. My once iffy relationship is going strong despite the distance (though that too will be solved in May). Benny and I are completely in love, and I couldn't be happier with that. I'm doing pretty damn well in school, despite my three jobs that I somehow maintain simultaneously. Money kind of sucks, but when did it not, so I'm not letting it get me down. My friends are incredible, and I am obsessed with my housemates. My family is nuts, but when weren't they, so that also doesn't change my mood...

I guess that's my report. Maybe I'll write again in another 6 months or something. Until then...I'm still reading yours. Happy New Year!

I don't really like posting anymore...but just a thought running through my head that I thought I'd jot down...

Maybe he doesn't mean to shut me out - he just doesn't know enough yet to let me in, because only when we're tested do we discover who we are and who we can really be...

But then again, how long can one person be tested until he figures it out? I hope his tests end soon, so he can learn, share, and be who he is - who I see him as.

...ki charat et dmuto bi

It's shabbos. I'm not supposed to be on the computer exactly, but I figured now is as good a time as any to update after I haven't in so long.

I can't believe it's my second shabbos at home already...well, not what I consider home, but you know what I mean. What a difference here. It's been raining for over a week, something I hadn't seen for over 3 months and quite frankly, didn't miss at all. The weather and general atmosphere is like a different world. Everything smells different. My food cooked exactly the same tastes different. My hair is different. My lack of smile is definitely different.

Two weeks ago, right this minute, it would be 6:39 PM. Benny and I were sitting on the couch against the wall in his new apartment, watching TV (oops!). Fear Factor was on, and we were discussing how much better we would be at the event that these pairs were doing. As usual, Benny was sprawled out, smushing me, but holding me sweetly of course, and I was probably giggling, despite my occasional breakdowns that last week, knowing that I was leaving him.

Two weeks later, 11:42 AM, I'm alone on my mom's couch. I've already been up for three hours. I had a very weird dream that Benny and I randomly got married, and I kept forgetting to wear my head coverings afterwards. I watched a movie already, which of course made me cry, because in the movies, the girl always finds her boy in the end. There's never 6,000 miles and four months in between them. Or if there are, they fly by in only 20 minutes on the screen, making it seem so easy and in fact enlightening. Now, I'm just bored, with nothing at all to report besides for hurricane weather, freezing feet, and boredom I cannot bear.

G-d, I miss him. I miss the smell of the air, especially on shabbos, where Mediterranean foods and spices intermingle with the smell of summer and Jerusalem warmth. I miss the old Jerusalem stone everywhere you look. I miss the taste of food and how it differs when you're with people you love. I miss the pause for shabbos that doesn't exist here. I miss the feel of his arms around me and his light kisses throughout our afternoon nap. I miss the sounds of kids running around on their day off from school, the sounds of davening from the millions of shuls scattered throughout Nachlaot, the sounds of his heavy breathing while he sleeps and I read my book. I miss the energy and aliveness that wraps you up and makes you feel full and complete. At least, I have the memories...

Israel, internship, a boyfriend, breaking the rules, traveling, war...

It's been so long since I've written, I don't think I'd even know where to start. But...I'm still alive. Alive and smiling.

I feel so guilty.

While tonight I felt 100% happy for Dassa at her wedding, and while some of my fears about her moving on too quickly and getting married too quickly after breaking up with Shmuli, I also felt bad for me. I allowed myself those moments of selfishness where I wasn't only tearing in happiness for her as her future husband walked down the aisle, as she walked down with her parents at either side, as they both stood under the chupa swaying in prayer, as everyone screamed mazal tov when he broke the glass; I was also tearing for me, allowing myself to have those stupid thoughts of when will I meet someone? Will my day ever come where I feel that strongly about someone that I will say goodbye to my overprotective and adoring parents, where they will bittersweetly turn their daughter away to someone who she knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with, where I will be able to walk down the aisle with a smile and tears knowing that my life is about to change forever and will be spent with one person whom I adore more than anyone else on the earth?

I'm often misunderstood when I express these feelings. It's not that I want to get married tomororw and follow the trend that all my peers so helplessly find themselves straying after...the getting married ASAP because that's what religious people do trap. I don't want to fall for that, and this is not about pressure to marry young. It's about being lonely. Longing and yearning for true love. After Dov, things in me changed. Once I felt the capacity to think about someone the way I did him, to care about them so much more than even yourself, to plan a future with them and truly think 100% that there was nothing in the world that would prevent you two from doing those things together...it changes you to think about someone that way. About yourself as not only you as an individual but you as part of an us as well, not forgetting the individual part, but also living with the beauty of the duo part. I used to think that way. And so 3+ years without that is wearing on me. Maybe it would be different if I had never loved. Maybe then I'd just be looking on at these couples with curiousity wondering what it was like and when I'd be struck. But now, it's not even about getting married and walking down the aisle and dancing with so much happiness and overjoyed feelings surrounding me afterwards. It's not about any of that. It's about filling the void that I feel of being just an individual with no one else to care so much for (not that I don't adore my family and friends...but that different caring). I feel so lonely and empty sometimes.

So for the few moments where I looked at my friend and watched her so happily join her life with her now husband (oh my G-d, I can't believe they are husband and wife!!!) forever, and I felt that pang of jealousy (was that it?) or just yearning for someone of my own...just someone to give time, energy, my heart, for those moments, I feel guilty.

G-d I hope I can find only happiness for Rachel and Seth, because their wedding day I so look forward to. With them, I think it will be different. I can't wait. And, yet, about .00001% of me feels like I'll just be losing another best friend, and being still that single in the crowd. I feel guilty for that too.

Sometimes my dad is just so hurtful. And then I feel even lonelier than I know I already am. If I don't have him, who do I have? And when I'm this lonely, I wind up finding someone fucked up to take that place. I just hope Israel finds me someone worth filling my void, or that I figure out/remember how to block out his hurtful words and accusations. I can't believe we're back in this place.

Oh yeah, it's summer.

Recently someone asked me, and she definitely wasn't the first, just the last of many who've asked as my first year as a transfer comes to a close, "Are you glad that you transferred?" or "Do you regret transferring?"

I HATE THIS QUESTION (which obviously tells you some of both)...but it's a controversial and disheartening topic at the moment that I'm not quite in the mood to deal with, especially while studying for my 3 impending finals, from which I'm so burnt out. BLAH!

(Yay for never posting and then posting a shitty one...sorry)

Today is Beneye's birthday. When I called him, he just sounded depressed and dejected. He's so unhappy, and despite my attempts to paint a hopeful picture about his future, he is not doing well. He's not stable, not working, and not happy. It breaks my heart. I just want him to smile on his birthday.


Sidenote: My bro and I had a fabulous weekend together, and we even discussed our problems. This weekend was so important for our relationship. We are friends again or at least on the path to being that. Yay!

This was my most recent conversation with my dad:

Me: Hey Dad. What's up?
Dad: What's up? I got a job for $200,000, sold the house for a million dollars, and I look like I'm 30. What the fuck do you think is up?
Me: Why do you have to talk to me like that?
Dad: Well, what do you think is up?
Me: Why don't you call me when you're in a better mood.
Dad: Fine.
Me: Love you -- (click)

ASS! Yay for the return of verbal abuse. Missed it so much these last three years.

What would a trip to Honduras be without Bethany's classic boy-craziness? Here's a little fun entry about the four boys I called my "boyfriends" while there.

Eddis - boyfriend #1, possibly the most appropriate since he's 18, much closer in age than the other 3, although still three years younger, but eh. He was super cute, Mayan looking. We met as I shoveled cement and had a lovely cutting of wood session at one site. We tried to exchange some words back and forth, although we were very limited in language. We spent the rest of the time staring through the lovely window of the session room where the Hondurans would stare at the gringos. I got my happy smile and returned it. What a relationship!

Gelih - 14. Possibly the cutest kid ever. I wonder if Honduran women find the same type of people attractive that to me stand out. Anyway, Gelih was gorgeous and quite shy at first. The last couple days he tried to get me to do the chicken dance that we had taught the younger kids so that I would shake my butt. He would stand in the window and shake his arms at me, and we'd exchange nods and smiles. The last two days he signed my book, we took multiple pictures together, which he asked for several times daily, and we even had a little dancing moment in a circle.

Juan - 10. I thought he looked like a mini-Gelih. Adorable little boy whom I first discovered in a tree. One picture and several chasing games later we were little giggle friends, although he was much too shy to deal with my excited gringo attempts at Spanish.

Most importantly, Ramon - 11. Ramon was the most lively kid in the entire group. The potential that kid has to be a leader, to learn more than most of his peers will, etc. is just incredible. He was spunky, unafraid, always ready to take over and lead all the kids under him...He was also sweet as can be. Originally he just loved Dave, whom he cutely nicknamed Calipetro (Dave's attempt at saying caterpillar in Spanish), but then as Dave's close friend, Ramon learned my name. Soon, I became his "amor," he told Sarita he was "enamored by me," and later on in the trip announced that if I stayed he would "take care of me." The last few days we exchanged silly faces through the window, he would jump into the window and tap me or throw rocks at me to get my attention, he stared through the cracks of the door, we played tons of games all of which wound up in him and me as partners interestingly, sang together, danced together, and had our final cutesy moment in the Havdala circle arm in arm. That boy will forever have a special place in my heart. He was the hardest to say goodbye to. With as few words as we shared, I see so much of myself in him, the proactivity needed to escape, to rise to the top, the spark of aliveness to rise above life's shit. I dream that one day I'll see him again, grown up and important. I wish him all the best and hope that the .00001% chance that our paths will again cross is not as small as it seems.

My Honduran boys will forever be in my heart. I really do miss Minais de San Antonio with its billions of stars, its admirers, and its bold women.

So, beyond my decision that I need to explore some things in my life in the States to make it more simplistic and less burdened by what I feel scars our society, I also have been finding more of a need to explore Judaism and how it is incorporated as well as changes important decisions in my life. As I mentioned, it will definitely have an effect on whether or not I decide to really consider Peace Corps, which I really do feel that I might regret if I don't seriously look into it. I am definitely going to run the ASB trip for next year, so in doing so, I'm sure I'll come across many opportunities to further research it. But, besides for that, beyond my further exploration of my temptations to break shabbos, not care so much about kosher, etc. that I had experienced starting the week before I visited Stanford, I also got a lot of insight on my trip from people both less and more religious than I. First of all, I met this incredible woman, Dara, who was one of our leaders, who significantly changed my perception of women leaders in the Jewish community...not that I'm sexist against my own sex, but women have always appeared to have differently responsibilities to me as ordained by halacha of course. But Dara, who is studying to be a reformed rabbi, seriously made me question some of the issues of egalitarianism vs. nonegal., what I've been practicing my whole Jewish life and never thought to question previously. Ultimately, I am starting to really think a lot about my fundamental beliefs that everything G-d commanded us in the Torah and through oral law and the rabbis each has a specific reason, reasons which I may never understand or may somehow gain a little insight in at some point in life. For example, shabbos. Despite my temptation to break shabbos a few times, which I did explore at Stanford and at home before ASB began, I truly can see why certain things are forbidden on shabbos, such as cell phones, email, cars, things which assist us in our everyday lives in a developed nation, but which when taken away, prevent us from experiencing much stress. I didn't realize this until my last time in Honduras when I enjoyed so thoroughly being away from cell phones and email and after feeling the extreme stress that came along with their return. This is just one example of a rule which at times can seem stressful rather than relaxing, and can in fact be discovered to be key to making it really shabbos. So, with that, I do believe that there is some reason for why halacha dictates as it does. However, when I see a woman like Dara and how well she will lead a community some day, it makes me wonder why modern rabbis or even historically rabbis didn't realize that women can have this extreme effect on men as well as women and if placed in the position as being almost forbidden to get into deep conversation with once married, at least, how can they have this effect? It's a huge question...another to add to my list of things to explore Jewishly. Also, I want to get back to keeping shabbos and kashrut, because I do believe in it, and I do respect it, and I need to feel free to continue exploring, but at the same time, I must continue to challenge and push myself to search for answers to my growing pile of questions, to excite myself whether it requires me reading different texts, talking to different people in my community (such as on my trip), whom I now know will inspire me to question, answer, and do more all around Jewishly, or whether it requires me to meet with a rabbi, call Rabbi Liff even. There are many options, and I want to be proactive in searching them out, whereas two weeks ago, even last week, I was kind of just feeling apathetic, spurred by a lack of excitement in OCP, lack of movement up or down, just stagnancy and boredom with where I was religiously, to the point where I was happy to just give up a little and sit in it. I'm not like that though, as the trip well reminded me, and I will continue my new adventures to search for my answers and hopefully many more exciting questions, to continue to excite me and keep me interested in my Jewishness. I'm going to get back to that "honeymoon" period which apparently ended, and hopefully this time, won't let it out of my grasp.
Beyond philosophizing about life in the States vs. elsewhere, beyond thinking about Judaism in my life and in general, I have also explored friendship and discovered a group. Though still not my passionately intense, emotional, kooky, crazy, hippy, musically inclined, etc. buddies at Stanford, I found a great group of kids that I know now can excite me the way they do with deep questions and thoughts. I've found a group with which I now share this incredible bond that I know will remain strong within us for quite some time. I also am thankful that I found some OCP girls who like me grew from a different background and explored to get to where they are, so that now we can all talk together, and I don't have to feel like the girl trying to fit in, though questioning. There's much to be learned from these girls and boy, as well as from the Clark kids I met too. Really, despite doubts, I could not have had a better group with me on this trip. The bonds are indescribable, as is evident by my terrible description of them. I am happy though that now I feel that I have some deeper relationships at Penn, not all of which will leave me this year (before I really only felt this way mainly with my roommates and maybe a couple others, but sad because my roommates will graduate and leave). I'm also thrilled to be living with three of the girls next year.
I've been inspired to explore many different things that add up to make my life as it is, and I think I'm going to re-excite myself, re-inspire enthusiasm and desire to be proactive in creating my experiences. I'm going to further explore these new relationships, my Judaism, Peace Corps, social justice issues, etc. as well as think about changing my diet and sleeping patterns to be more like the wonderful ways I ate and slept in Honduras. I'm going to recreate my experience of me, not changing who I am and what I believe in fundamentally, just exploring what I think is really me deep down inside and allowing it its full range of motion and expression. I am feeling optimistic and ready to take on whatever it takes to be smiling here and now in the present, rather than always comparing my life sadly to a past place that I feel now leaves me lacking in some area through comparison. Less conditionals and more working towards happy nows. It will happen, no matter how long it takes. I'm committed and really excited! Hallelujah!

I don't even know where to begin. Last time I went to Honduras, I was content to come home and write probably a five page entry about every detail of my trip, although this time, I don't feel that it's the specific details that are necessary, but rather the themes and the effects these details had on me. My trip was indescribable. I couldn't believe that I could possibly be as affected as the first time I was there, especially as some of the experience wouldn't be as new, but I was knocked off my feet every day in a way that the first trip can't touch. Maybe it was a combination of the thinkers that accompanied me on the trip, maybe it was the incredible leaders leading it, or maybe it was just me being more mature and able to suck in a lot more depth. Whatever the reason, if not all three, I definitely can say my mind is whirling, my heart is touched, and my body is bubbling with desire to change the world and act now. My old thoughts of doing Peace Corps have surfaced, but obviously with different internal reactions because of my religious observance level, my desire to get married and finish grad school by a certain age, etc. Internal conflicts, whirling thoughts in search of resolution, constant debate...these are the things I've always enjoyed duking out in my head, the philosophical conversations about life and its meaning, our place in the world, what rights we have to change things and our ability to even do so - these were things I left high school and entered college wanting to play around with. But somehow I got lost in the swirl of daily life and its clogging materialism, became overly concerned, or rather remained overly concerned with school, extracurriculars, and meetings, things which I do not wish to completely knock down, but which for the most part revolve around me and furthermore don't satisfy my cravings for more. My needs were satiated, ironically, in a country where even the most basic needs are often not available, where stripped to the bone I had to search for meaning and felt an actual purpose of being born what the world would deem "lucky" (although I'm not sure living in 21st century America is what I would choose despite its opportunity) to help those who were not. I sometimes seem to put down the US, and while I have major issues with technological progression, globalization, and the constant shuffle to continually take over the world from nature, G-d, and its simple course, I do know that with all these materialistic goals came sanitation, birth control, protection from HIV/AIDS, etc. These things are not a worry for me every morning when I wake up, rather I'm faced with hating the materialism and the controlled nature of my society, where I do have options and endless opportunities, though comprimising in nature and never leading to full fulfillment. I'm not sure what the middle ground is. Somewhere in between is Israel where I've managed to find a mix of the hustle and bustle and trivialities with a spiritual haven and a group of people who see beyond just the surface bullshit, but then again, I too subscribe to my culture's feelings that I must graduate from an Ivy League university, go to graduate school, and with this knowledge save the world. That's what it requires these days. It seems almost black and white - simplicity or full-blown USA and all that entails. My question now is where do I fit in?
More to come later.

I miss it.
I had an incredible weekend. I must say I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed every single moment, although I'm now again in religious confusion hell. Most importantly, I forgot about missing my Israel friends. I liked that feeling. I felt like I never left. My friends were incredible. I don't have time to write a whole thing, but damn do I miss those people and the weather of course. Miss having best friends that are so like me and yet so different all at once.
It's good to have a really great view of Stanford right now, even if it does make me have questions and miss it more.
Oh, and I love Nate's girlfriend. She is great. Yay Nate!
Yay for terrible entries that explain nothing!

So, with all my wonderful religious confidence of last year, I have a confession. The honeymoon period has ended, and last weekend began the first of a series of odd feelings of temptation to break "rules" or do things against what I've been practicing and believe I believe in...For example, on shabbos I had this strange urge to just pick up my phone, call Nate, and say hello. Or the other day on the phone with Viv, when we were talking about what I could or couldn't do on shabbos, I just really wanted to be like screw some parts of shabbos for one weekend. I won't get struck by lightning. What if I just enjoyed my time there for old times sake? But then the guilt comes...
I talked to my roommate about it tonight after feeling really shitty about it all day. I decided some very important things and feel like I have been forced to realize some things about myself. I like to restrict myself a lot. I enjoy control, and sometimes I'm a little too optimistic. I decide I'm going to keep all of these great things that I do hope to keep some day. Getting healthier and exercising translates into a strict diet with 4 times at the gym at least per week and no allowances of any treats or anything...I need to cut down on my restrictions, allow myself breathing room, and allow myself the chance to grow, whether I take some steps forward or move backward a little bit. Even religiously. I need to explore a little. This isn't a contest of how long in a row can I keep up this or that. I need to find my comfort zone. I need to challenge myself. Right now I'm just wasting away, uncontent with basically everything, apathetic about religion, which last year I couldn't stop talking about, etc.
I might not be in Israel right now, but a transition is about to occur. I am going to do whatever it is that I need to do in Stanford this weekend. I'm going to gradually start figuring things out again and stop holding myself back with all my rules. I'm also going to try to find things that inspire me and ignite that spark inside that I know is just waiting to be lit like it was before. This could be good.

“If having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I’m a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won’t be sunny. When you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember it’s only in the black of night that you can see the stars, and those stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, stumble, fall, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wished for. Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you? The road is long. In the end, the journey is the destination.”

Last night I went with Shay and Div to Temple (the school) to watch Nate compete. I was freaking out in the car, because we were late, and I was so worried I would miss his expert high bar. Thankfully I did not. We walked in, and Nate climbed up the bleachers to give me a hug. I was so excited to see him and bug him during a meet. I screamed at him and the other boys that I knew on the team, although the numbers of boys I know vs. new ones are starting to get lower. I'm no longer the honorary member/biggest fan/N8's best friend. That was the weird part. I had the exact same feelings when I saw him competing, that awful dread that what if he got hurt, that nervousness for your best friend to do really well in something competitive, that feeling of pure happiness when they succeed and don't break their neck in the process...But those feelings just seemed funny when after the fact, I realized that I was cheering for my past. Part of me really missed Stanford, and I went to sleep wondering if it really was Stanford or if it was me. Because now that I'm starting to have mixed feelings about whether my non-Israel connection at Penn is me or the school or what...I realize I'm doing the exact same thing here. Maybe not to the same extent as I did at Stanford, but I'm a much more grown up and mature person now than then. Is there something wrong with me in connecting at schools like this? How come I found Donna so easily at Hopkins? How come, despite my hatred of Kushner, I'm still really close with at least like 10 people? How come I found Rach in Israel? More importantly, how did I lose Nate, Viv, and Diogo, the three strings that kept me alive at Stanford during my awful days? At least Vivian and I have reconnected, but we'll never have our time together to be the way we once were, and we missed so much in the middle. (MISS YOU, VIVI!)
Looking ahead to my visit next week, I'm really nervous that I'm going to have feelings like I did last night. Those, do I miss Stanford? feelings. Or are they just the fond memories shadowing the terror I felt every day? Or was my terror me? I feel all confused and not confident about things again. It is so odd. You don't realize how much you can miss people until they're completely gone and out of your lives. I feel, in a different way with Nate, as I did about Dov growing farther and farther apart. When I looked at Nate last night, when I hugged him, when I was saying see you next week when he couldn't hang out because his whole family was there, it was a different kind of all that than two years ago when I went to every meet, cheering, screaming my head off, sitting with his family whenever they visited. The worst part is the feeling that he really is no longer a part of my life for the most part. I could try to change that and speak to him more, kind of a revival of friendship, but I feel that our worlds are so disjunct now, and I don't really know if it's supposed to be pushed. It's hard letting go, and I just don't think I'm ready.
So, next week, I will miss Stanford, but I will make my best effort to come back and embrace Penn for all the greatness that it has brought to me, at least until I go to Israel and am with the greatness that awaits me in the future.

You might think it's Valentine's Day, and thus a perfect day for a Bethany boy rant. I do have rant-able material (not about boys), but however, I will dedicate this entry to say: MAZAL TOV to my bestest friends in the whole wide world who are engaged. To Rach and Seth, it can't get better than this! I LOVE YOU!

"Most of our lives are a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. Sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens, and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever."

Once again, I've managed to get all teary-eyed and ponder-ful (I like making up words) after watching another TV show, which I must remind myself is FICTION! Tonight, on Gray's, Meredith asked, "If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you spend it?" And, all I could think of was how if I knew today was my last day, I would want to rebel, because how could I spend my last day so far from my best friends? I know my family would be closer, but it's weird, because with the disjointedness that is my family now, I have come to find a new family that's far away. Not to say that they've "replaced" my real family, and not to choose between the two (although I suppose that's almost what I'm doing), but...I don't know, I guess there are no buts. It's very difficult, even though I've been doing much better this last week or so (until I looked at my stat reading tonight and realized how much I don't understand the 2nd version of this class), I just want to be in Israel. Especially with my most recent news which I'm not actually officially allowed to announce even over LJ until Tues. More than anything I just want to be in Rach's or Seth's beds playing Taboo the four of us (Rach, Seth, Beneye, and me) or making stupid iron-on bead things (I think I left mine in Israel). I want to feel really special and loved and needed. I guess I don't feel that I'm really needed here. Not in an I'm putting myself down kind of way. I just don't feel like anyone here would really be so heartbroken without me (like for example if I moved to Israel), because all of the old people have new lives now (my dad with Cheryl, my mom with Joe, my brother with who knows what or whom?), and I've moved on too to feel loved and needed and to need and love, not here, but in Israel. So, when I hear a question like how would I spend, this, my last day on Earth, I know exactly how I would spend it, but that day better not come in the next three months, when I couldn't actually carry that plan out.

I had fun tonight for the first time in a while. But then I think about the fact that I have 3 exams this week...oh and that part where the only guy I got hit on is one of my good friend's exes of like say a day...So, basically my thoughts in said drunken "fun" state of mind wind up at oh....Beneye...oops!
I miss kissing him...............